from b*tch to BEAST
I had to sit down. I had to sit down and ask myself. Really ask myself….
Who the f**k am I?
I had been training hard. I was running. I was smashing press-ups. I was posting the odd video online. At times I felt like a hero. Most of the time I just felt like a loser. I didn’t have the results I really wanted. I did not have the body I had been working towards for years. My mind was unstable with anxiety and depression.
Most nights I drank myself into submission. The liquid embrace would wash all my worries away: One more night on the beers, then I’ll quit! Empty promises filled my mind and vanquished as quickly as they appeared. The marijuana would elevate me into a false sense of enlightenment. One more joint then I’ll get really fit!. This will be my last night. I would repeat these deadly mantra’s in my head while scoffing down potatoes chips and other junk. I was a regular gamer. I would ignore a messy house and all my responsibilities - work, family, community. I would disappear into the digital world and become a hero for 3-4 hours, shooting guns and jumping off buildings. It was a lie. It was all a big f**king lie. Washed down and amplified with coffees, pies, sugary treats, beers, joints and more.
When I did hang out at parties or events. I would end up taking drugs I did not want to take. My self control would completely disappear with each alcoholic drink. I had zero accountability to myself. Days hungover were spent lying on the couch feeling like an absolute piece of sh*t. The reality was, that was the truth.
I was mentally ill. I blamed all my problems on other people. I didn’t take any ownership. I was depressed. I wanted to kill myself. I was anxious. I started having panic attacks. I couldn’t go to work. I was scared as f**k of waking up, but I was also too scared to die. I tried medication which just got me high as f**k, then made me so drowsy I had to sleep for 3-4 hours per day. I had always hated the option of medication as I’d seen it f*ck so many people up. I stopped taking the prescription and upped my self-medication : more dope and beers.
A relationship breakup really catapulted me into a deep spiral. I know, it’s hard to imagine me being in a relationship with all the bullsh*t going on that I’ve just explained.
I was devastated. I was also stressed as f*ck. That relationship had really shown me who I was. A weak addict. An alcoholic. A person that continued to make bad choices everyday. A person that looked for the quickest and easiest elevation. A lazy mother f*$ker that complained about everything.
So, I had to sit-down. I had to think. What the f#ck have I become?. And why? Why am I 20+kgs over weight. Why at 36 am I out of breath tying my f#ckin’ shoe laces? Why can I not relax unless I’ve had at least two beers and a joint? Why am I so resentful? Why is everyone treating me like sh#t?
I then realised. The common denominator, ME! F#ck?! It can’t be!…. I’ve just had bad luck… People just haven’t treated me right… I’ve had a bad run…
F##K IT! It was me.
August 2021
November 22nd 2021 my partner moved out. I looked myself in the mirror and told him, it’s time mother f##ker,
IT IS TIME.
I made a pact with myself to stop drinking alcohol, stop all drug use and to top it off, kick my coffee addiction.
COLD TURKEY - it was on! I stopped attending events where I knew alcohol and drugs would be present. I stopped contact with people that I could see were addicts themselves. I spent a lot of time in silence. Confronting the scared b#tch that wanted to stop in at every bottle store and pick up a six pack. I had deeply bought into the belief that drinking craft beer was some how more sophisticated than the ‘feral, uncivilized beasts’ that drank cheap beer. “hahaha” I laughed and said to myself “you dumb f#ck”. I observed my thought patterns.
News of local men taking their own lives surfaced in the community. F#ck!? that was nearly me. I couldn’t believe it. It was so sad. “What the f#ck can I do?” I asked myself. I reminded myself that I had a long way to go, and needed to manage waking up and making my f#cking bed before I even started thinking about helping other men (and women). I carried on the powerful journey of radical self responsibility. Working out everyday like a warrior from Sparta, eating clean, fasting, meditating every morning, writing down my goals everyday, continuing to audit my thinking…
Autumn/Winter 2022 arrived.
I was confronted. The previous year I had surfed the whole winter without a wetsuit. Could I pull this off again? The cold water exposure had helped greatly with my mental health during that time. But damn, I was scared. It was getting cold!
In an effort to raise awareness for men’s mental health I decided to go public with my intentions of completing another winter in just my board shorts. I had an interview on the local radio station. I got a bit of attention online including the below epic photo of me surfing on one of the coldest days in 2021.
June 2021 (photo by Brendon Larsen Photography)
It was fun. I got my hands on a go pro and made some videos. Reality kicked in! Making a weekly video was a huge f#king challenge. My bright light dreams of becoming a vlogger were quickly confronted with the actual work-load required. I chipped away at it. Interest petered out with my efforts. I started spending more time at the beach reflecting. I had always been into working out, but it was always so sporadic. I never fully committed to the process. I resented fit people thinking they were obsessed and unreasonable. The more time I spent in the cold water I started to ask myself, why the f#ck was I doing this? What was I achieving? I doubled down on everything - meditation, breath work, fitness, journaling, tapping, self-care and love, and radical self-responsibility…
Journaling. Writing down who I wanted to become and what I wanted to do. How I wanted to help people.
My confidence started to build.
I got up earlier and earlier.
I spent hours at the beach, alone. In the dark. Looking for more. I wept in the dark. I picked up Stones and threw them into the dark abyss of the black, early morning ocean. I made myself cross rivers in complete darkness. All my fears came to the surface. I got anxious as f#ck. I felt like a failure. I forged on! I FORGED THE F#CK ON! I continued a relentless work ethic. I started to think about what I was eating. I concentrated on whole foods and meat. I felt a shift. The confidence was building. My mental health was stabilizing. Each morning provided new insights and awareness.
My children responded so positively to all of the changes within me. I had been documenting my journey on my personal facebook page and instagram. It was confronting and raw. I used it as a reflective tool. The regular posting helped to keep myself accountable. I made a couple of workout videos on my surf/cold water channel and then realised they were two completely different things.
And then it came to me. One morning sitting there meditating at the beach. Alone in the darkness. I had never felt closer to my heritage and ancestors. I felt a deep connection to the long lineage of gaelic, norse and germanic warriors within my DNA. I got up and picked up another large rock, throwing it behind my head with a big grunt. Then it came to me. STONE THROWER. It felt raw! it felt powerful! It felt primal! I had to share what I had found. I had the confidence to look people in the eye and tell them what I had been doing and what I believed in. I smiled at people. I got lots of positive feedback from people saying how different I was, or that I was glowing.
To this day I continue to hold myself accountable everyday. I train hard. I live sober. I guide, coach and support men and women every week. I support them to re-calibrate their mindsets and manifest their greatest visions and purpose.
Dom, Facebook review:
Highly recommended – 5 Stars
“Through Stone Throwers physical and mindset training techniques I have completely flipped my approach towards health and fitness.
This intense bare-chested primal style of outdoor training leads to an unparalleled sense of euphoria that is hard to come by in any traditional Gym...
The training goes far beyond the physical, and dives into creating an ironclad mindset. Become the man you admire!
I’m always looking forward to the next session!”
“If you are ready to change your standards, habits and ultimately your life. You are in the right spot. Wes is incredibly understanding and empowering. He is a legendary problem solver. If you are looking for strong and supportive direction to take action, book a call with Wes.”
— Josie, Facebook Review.